By Any Other Name
by Didodikali
Summary: Introducing QuidditchJock!Lily. No, really, I'm not kidding. And guess what sport Severus plays? Nope, guess again. Illustrated! Fanart!
1. The SetUp

Rated PG-13 for language.  
Rowling's characters are not mine!

**By Any Other Name**  
**Read this story with illustrations!  
**http://lizardlounge.com/Natasha/Didodikali/snake/byanyothername.html

Chapter One.  
**The Set Up**  
Juliet: That which we call a rose by any other word would smell as sweet.  
~Shakespeare  


  


I can't believe they think I'm gay. Yeah, it's true that I'm the only girl to play Seeker at Hogwarts since Miss Hooch dueled for the right to play years and years ago. And, yeah, it's true that Gryffindor boys keep challenging me to Quidditch duels and that I fly circles around them and kick Quidditch ass as I defend my place on the reserve team.

Yeah, I'm on the reserve team. I'd be on the regular team if it wasn't for James, who could go professional if he wanted. He's my friend, so I try not to hope too much he'll fall of his broom and give me a chance. As if! He's too good; it'll never happen. You can tell that I'm not playing for glory though, but because I love the game. The reserve teams barely get any attention. Most of our games there's no one in the stands. Well. Except for the Marauders, but they're so rabid about Quidditch, I don't think they count.

But anyway, standing here in this boy's locker room inhaling the sweetsour smell of boys leaning into manhood, pushed almost beyond endurance by a good game, naked and dripping sweat... Whhhoooaaah! Yum. 

I can't believe they think I'm gay. I suppose if I told all the other girls how dee-lish the boy's locker room was, I'd have to fight twice as many Quidditch duels, so I guess I'll live with my slightly suspect girl-jock reputation.

However, since I _am_ the only girl on any of the teams, the school has no girl's locker rooms. Most practices and games I use the Hufflepuff boys' locker rooms. I don't tend to use the Ravenclaw locker rooms because they are filled with annoying posters about Quidditch strategy and talking mirrors which constantly list all the Quidditch fouls one should avoid and, for Merlin's sake, if there was _ever_ a game that shouldn't be over-intellectualized it's Quidditch!

So, on those occasions when the Gryffindor Reserves play the Hufflepuff Reserves, I go change in the Slytherin locker rooms. I like the Slytherin locker rooms; they're green and quiet and those hot, sweaty Purebloods smell just as yummy as the hot, sweaty Huffies. ....God, I can't believe they think I'm gay!

Right. Anyway. The Huffies, who are sweet and trusting and chivalrous gave me a key, but the Slytherins ....duh! ...did not. Every time I use the snake rooms, I have to ask a Slytherin to open it for me.

And I usually ask Sev, because he's my lab partner in Potions and he's slightly less of an asshole than the rest of the reptiles. He's well trained now, too. I say, "Is it going to be a long fight ending with Dumbledore giving you a direct order or are you just going to give me the goddamn key right now?" and Sev sneers, hands it to me and says," Back in my hands the second you're done with it or I'll poison your pumpkin juice."

It's a working relationship. Yeah. So you can see why Sev was my first choice for assistance when I had that tit versus bludger problem. 

No? 

Okay, let me explain...

  


  
  


  


I found Lily in the back of the seventh year student lab in the middle of a sigiled chalk circle. She had her wand in her hand and was gesturing to the four quarters. "If you're summoning demons, then I'm telling," I said.

Lily didn't bat an eye. "Well, I'm not, so you can relax."

"Good, because you're _in_ the circle. That's the way you end up getting chewed into little bits."

Lily turned and drew a final sigil in the air. "Awww. Are you worried about me, Sev?"

"No way! Absolutely not! It's just I'm sure I'd get stuck with the detention and have to mop your sticky remains off the classroom floor. Couldn't you do this in the forest and let the bugs eat you?"

"Needed a nice stone floor to draw a perfect circle," she said. Charms is Lily's best subject. I have no idea what she is doing for her Final Project, I'm certain it's nothing Dark or demony, but whatever it is, it looks hard.

"Ah. ....Wanna make a postmortem mopping potion for homework, then?" I said.

She rolled her eyes at me. "Oh, Sev." I keep telling her not to call me that, but it makes absolutely no difference. The girl does whatever she wants.

Lily cleaned up her Charms project, and pulled out the ingredients for our Potions homework. I set out some glassware and did a quick ignition charm under a beaker. We got to work.

An hour later we had a vial of something roiling and pink that smelled terrible. "Eeurg. Here, you drink it, Lily."

"No way! _You_ drink it!"

"Hey, why me? I thought you were one of those women libers and _wanted_ to do stuff like this."

Lily looked balefully at me. "That's libber, not liber, and I want the opportunity to kick your ass, not the opportunity to puke all over your shoes. That is the _wrong_ colour. I'm not drinking it."

"Yeah. Me either. Let's start all over," I said. _I think we turned the heat down too soon. Boil exactly 10 minutes, not nine and three quarters. _I looked at the 10 minute hourglass I'd been timing with. _Faulty, I bet._ I reached under a counter and swapped it for a different hourglass.

Lily grabbed the beaker and the vial and poured them out in the sink. "Have you ever wondered where dumped out potions go?" I said and then answered my own question. "To the lake. To be ingested by the giant squid."

"That poor thing," said Lily and she laughed evilly and skipped over to the cabinet to fetch more ingredients, while I washed up the glassware so we could have a second go.

I help her with Potions, she helps me with Charms. It's a working relationship. So you can see why when she asked me to help her with her tit versus bludger problem, I eventually said _yes_.

No?

.....Okay, me either.

  


  
**Read this story with illustrations!  
**http://lizardlounge.com/Natasha/Didodikali/snake/byanyothername.html  
  
  
I wrote the whole outline for this story,  
but it's turned out even more baked than I thought it would be.  
What do you think? Do you like QuidditchJock!Lily?  
If you want more, review! The next chapter would be titled _The Pitch_.  
  



	2. The Pitch

Read the illustrated version here;  
http://lizardlounge.com/Natasha/Didodikali/snake/by-2.html

  
A Harry Potter Fanfic by Didodikali  
Rowling's characters do not belong to me!  
However these pictures _are_ mine.  
Rated PG-13.  


Chapter Two.  
**The Pitch**  
It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye.  
~Mums everywhere  
  
~8~

  


Sports, it has always seemed to me, prove that the best things we hope for in life are in fact true. Life really is fair. The team who plays the best that day wins and winning is glorious and wonderful and very easy to tell apart from losing. But even losing is okay because there is plenty of honour in having good sportsmanship and shaking the winner's hand politely and there's always the very real possibility that the loser might win the next time.

And, of course, sports are fun. I love being part of a team, I love the strategy, the excitement of a good play. And I love going fast! The problem is that sometimes you just don't go quite fast enough...

Only the most rabid Quidditch junkies at Hogwarts come to watch the reserve team games and unfortunately I am good friends with these junkies. The Marauders are utterly craptastic cheerleaders. They yelled and attempted to spell out my name with their arms. Peter's L was backwards.

....I should never have taken the time to notice that. The game of Quidditch is even more brutal and violent than rugby. I mean, have you read the rules? The Beaters are charged with trying to knock the opposing team members off their brooms. They are _supposed_ to use clubs to hit rock-hard balls at us, _supposed_ to try to injure and take out the players. Exciting, eh!

Now, although I haven't been knocked off my broom since I was 13, I have broken my arm once, my ribs five time, and my fingers too many times to count. Most games I get at least a few bruises. Nevertheless, you can tell that I am quite the superior player (really, if James wasn't professional level, I _would_ be on the regular team) because I have never been knocked unconscious and I still have my own unmagicked teeth and my original nose instead of some medi-wizard's bad copy. As a matter of fact, I am so good I have avoided getting hit in the head at all, either by blocking (which explains all those broken fingers) or by dodging.

So when, like an idiot, I actually took the time to notice my friends' pathetic cheerleading attempt, some Ravenclaw beater took that excellent opportunity to zing a fast one at my head. I ducked that one only to see another Bludger coming straight for my face. One of the Gryffindor Chasers was right below me, Quaffle in hand enroute to a goalpost, so I couldn't duck down. I zipped upwards.

This was generally a good strategy. After all, an injured Seeker can usually still catch the Snitch, but an unconscious one just falls uselessly to the ground. This time, though, I didn't have a chance to bring my armoured forearm up to block even a little bit of the blow. The Bludger took me directly in the right tit.

The pain was utterly unbelievable, like no injury I'd ever had before. I saw so many stars that my vision faded to a blur of white. For a few seconds it was all I could do to keep hold of consciousness and my broom. But of course, a few seconds is all it takes...

There was a small cheer from the three Ravenclaws in the stands. The Ravenclaw Seeker had caught the Snitch. The Gryffindor Reserves had lost.

The Ravenclaw Reserves were flying their victory circle. I didn't care. I spiraled down to the ground, hunched over and howling, with tears streaming out behind me into the wind.

The medi-witch gave me ice and handed me over to my friends, telling them to take me to the infirmary to get some willow bark. Crying and in pain I threw myself into the comforting embrace of the Marauders.

I didn't know it at the time, but that was a big mistake.

  


  
~8~  


Sirius bent and looked down my blouse. "Well, you're looking perky today."

I glared at him and mashed my book of spells to my chest. "Could you please stop talking to my breasts."

He wasn't listening to me, as usual. "Never fear, mon ami. Your jewels of womanhood shall never be endangered again. I fixed it."

I frowned at him. Remus, James and Peter behind him looked embarrassed. "Whadya mean, you fixed it?" I asked.

"You mean you haven't noticed?" Sirius shook his head at my lack of understanding. "And I went to all that trouble for you. You really ought to thank me, you know."

My voice rose into ultrasonic registers. "That was you?!!"

My teammates on the reserve team, under _somebody's_ dubious leadership, had united in an effort to keep me from harm. At the last couple of practices they had all fluttered around me trying to protect me from Bludgers. We'd lost our game with the Hufflepuff reserves since I'd never had a chance to even spot the Snitch around my aerial bodyguards. I had spent the better part of two weeks carefully explaining to my teammates that I wanted them to back off and treat me like one of the boys. They had backed off, but no one would hit a Bludger in my direction. Practices had lost a lot of their zing. And a lot of their fun.

Sirius bent over me solicitously. "Ew, you're turning all funny colours. You want me to take you to the nurse? I bet she's got something that would even out your hormones."

I shook my fist at him. "Hormones! Come here and I'll even out your face! I can't believe you'd do this to me!"

Sirius sighed. "Women. Just show no appreciation for a guy's efforts. You-"

I pulled out my wand and pointed it at him. "Petrificus Totalus," I said. Sirius froze, mouth open, mid-inanity. I stuck my wand in his mouth. "Interfere in my Quidditch game again and I will pull your balls out by your throat. Do you understand me?" Since the whites were visible all around his bulging eyes, I assumed he did. I left Sirius immobile there and turned back to the rest of the boys. "Did you all have anything to do with that dumb plan?"

"Not us, no way," said Peter quickly. _Liar._

"Um," said James.

Remus smiled placatingly at me. "Why don't you come on up to our dorm and have some tea. I'll get out my guitar. Nothing like music to soothe the savage breast... er, beast."

I eyed him. "No offense, Moony, but if you make me listen to you play _Kumbaya_ on that transfigured ukulele ever again, I shall exsanguinate you." _I thought you were supposed to be the voice of reason who kept these morons in line. What happened?_

"Oh," said Remus. He took a half step back.

"Um," said James again.

"I'm going to bed. Good night," I said.

As I started up the stairs to the girls' dorm, I heard one of them whisper to the other, "Bad PMS, do you think?"

"Aaaaaaaaagh!" I screamed. "Men suck!" I pelted up the stairs, careened into my room, slammed the door and flung myself on the bed. I screamed into my pillow until my throat was sore.

Finally I pulled my pyjamas out from under my pillow. I started shucking my clothes off, but a moving red glint seen out of the corner of my eye stopped me. I turned and faced my half-dressed image in the mirror. I stared. Slim with bouncy little breasts and a solid muscled bum. Bright green eyes, dark red hair and - let's face it - most of the time I strut around this school with a big grin on my face.

_No wonder the boys are all over me like flies on shit._ There was no doubt about it; I'd turned out quite pretty._ Hmmm. Maybe I could charm up a wart or three? Grow some hair on my upper lip? A big aerosol can of boy repellent? _I made ugly wicked witch faces at the mirror. Maybe one of them would stick.

"How about a pretty smile?" said the mirror.

"Screw you," I told it.

"Humph," it said.

I sat on the bed and looked down at my traitor body._ No wonder the boys don't want to zing Bludgers at me._ _I need a solution. __I'm losing my edge. I can feel it. If things keep on like this, one day soon someone will challenge me to a Quidditch duel and I'll lose my place on the reserve team._

_I need a **real** practice._

_What I need is someone who is not the least bit chivalrous, someone who has no compunctions about causing pain in order to win even against a pretty girl. And he's also got to play a more than passable Beater._

....There is only one student in this school who fits this description.

  


  
~8~  


  


Severus was writing his DADA essay in the library. Since he was sitting at the Slytherin table surrounded by other reptiles, he had his arm carefully draped around his parchment so no one could copy off it. _Paranoid git._ I sat down in front of him. "Hi, Sev," I said cheerily.

  


He looked up at me suspiciously. "Why are you talking to me, Evans?"

"Evans? Why, Sev, you should call me Lily. We've known each other for years." _I'm so, so charming._

"It's Severus. Not Sev. .....Lily."

"There now, isn't that much more companionable?" I smiled at him sweetly.

He sneered at me. "The part where you stop wasting my time and tell me what you want comes next, right? The answer will be _no_. Feel free to save your breath and go away now."

"Aw, c'mon, Sev! ...Severus. Five minutes of your time." I leaned forward across the table and gave him the sparkling smile I had practiced all morning in the mirror. _I'm so, so charming. You can't say no to this pretty girl, Sev. You're going to say yes, Sev._

Severus looked around at the other Slytherins who were all openly staring at us. I swung around and beamed my lighthouse smile at all of them, too. "Five minutes," said Severus and he stood up. He folded his essay and put it in his back pocket. Then he walked out into the hall. I followed him.

I explained my situation and what I wanted from him. He looked unconvinced. "Why should I help the opposing team improve?"

"Hey, it's not like you wouldn't be getting some practice in, too."  
_I'm so, so charming. Your resistance is crumbling. You're going to say yes, Sev._

"....Hmmm."

"Are you really going to pass up the opportunity to zing Bludgers at me for an hour? Maybe you'll be able to put me out of commission for the season, in which case you'll win!"

".....I suppose that's remotely possible," he said slowly. "All right. An extra practice or two certainly can't hurt."

_Yeeeeeees!!!!!_

  


  
~8~  


  


_I don't know why I said yes. I think she put a spell on me._

_Damn, those are pretty eyes._

  


  
~8~  


  


Sev had his own practice Bludgers, so I didn't have to fuss with signing up for equipment at least. I signed us up for the only practice slot available on short notice - 5 o'clock in the morning. My alarm went off an hour before dawn. I walloped it a good one, sighed mournfully and got up. I dragged my sorry carcass out into the dim grey light. Remus met me on the steps and walked with me out to the field.

Sev was already there, dressed as I was in a Hogwarts sweatshirt. He didn't look at all happy to see that I'd brought Remus with me. "What is _he_ doing here?"

I said, "Remus has kindly volunteered to be our spotter today. His _Leviosaaaaah_ is very good." _And he owes me._

Sev shook his head. "You know, you're not going to dispel the idea that you're a wuss if you go getting a spotter for every little practice."

"Hey, today I'll be pulling off such death-defying, hair-raising Seeker moves that I'll _need_ a spotter. Won't I, Sev." I put my hands on my hips and looked at him meaningfully.

Sev raised an eyebrow at me and smiled. "Fair enough." He unlocked the Bludger box and hefted his club. "Run for your life, little girl."

I jumped on my broom and fled. A Bludger whistled past my head before I'd gone fifty feet. _Perfect!_

  


  
~8~  


  


With only two players on the field, Lily and I got a rather intense workout. I loosed both the Bludgers and, because they had only two targets to concentrate on, we were both dodging much more than usual.

Since Lily wasn't looking for the Snitch today, she had much more attention to devote to defending herself. Perhaps she was a little sluggish for the first five seconds, but I soon inspired her. I managed to keep her moving constantly. I eventually got her with a couple of glancing blows, but I didn't land anything solid on her. She really is damn good.

The hour was up; the next players who had signed up for the field were waiting below. Lily looked pretty tired. Not many Seekers actually volunteer to for target practice like this. I'd never spent an entire practice hitting Bludgers every few seconds. I was out of breath and my arm actually hurt. _Best practice I've ever had._ I whispered the disactivation spell; the Bludgers sulkily returned to their box. Lupin waved to Lily and loped off in the direction of breakfast. Lily followed me down. I shut the box and turned the key.

"Well, you didn't suck too badly. Next time we should add the Snitch into the equation," I said.

Lily looked thoughtful. She said, "I have an idea, something I want to try. Solve this whole Bludger problem with the other boys once and for all. It might take me a couple of weeks to implement it though..."

"Oh. Do want to keep practicing then or not?"

She looked up at me with bright green eyes. "Oh, yes! Absolutely! Friday same time?"

I looked away from her magical gaze. "Um. Fine. Maybe you can try to sign us up for something better than 5 in the morning for next week though." _I wonder what she's up to now..._

  


  
~8~  


  


Chapter Three (eventually): Quidditch Equipment!

Big thanks to LaurieM. for beta-ing!

Big thanks to also all those kind people who reviewed the first chapter and encouraged me to write this silly tale. I hope it doesn't disappoint. And in answer to those people who have asked- no, I am NOT a jock myself. I'm making this up. Any similarity to any witches you may know is purely accidental. Although if I know _you_ and you self-identify as a jock, then yeah, this is totally riffed off of **you**. Suck it up, girlfriend. =)


	3. Quidditch Equipment

Read the illustrated version here;  
http://lizardlounge.com/Natasha/Didodikali/snake/by-3.html

A Harry Potter Fanfic by Didodikali  
Rowling's characters do not belong to me!  
However these pictures _are_ mine.  
Rated PG-13.  


Chapter Three.  
**Quidditch Equipment**  
When you look at a garden, do you look at the thorns or the flowers?  
~Rumi  


  


Lily was supposed to meet me later on in the dungeons so we could work on our Potions labwork together. I arrived several hours early so I could work on my independent study project. Everybody does their Potions labwork at the last minute so I had the whole morning and into the afternoon all to myself to...

"You're playing. Oh, that's so cuuuuuute!" Lily had entered silently and was looking at me surrounded by scrolls and cutting boards and cauldrons and... Actually I'd made quite a mess. Over the course of the day, my project had taken over several tables. And I _still_ hadn't gotten it to work.

I glared at her. "Sod off." I looked at the familiar clipboard she'd pulled out of her bookbag. "How's _your_ project coming?"

Lily sat down next to me and grinned. "My Charms project has mutated. You want to help me for minute?"

_Don't do it, don't do it, don't do it._ "Sure," I said. One day I will learn to trust my instincts. Just ...not yet.

"Okay, watch this. Nothing up my sleeves..." Lily stood, pushed up her sleeves to show me her bare arms and giggled. _Strange girl_. She pulled a bunch of grapes out of her bookbag and set them on the table. She rifled through the pages of her clipboard, took out a small square of tinfoil and showed me both sides; they were written all over with runes in red ink. They looked like the figures she'd had drawn around the chalk circle from the last time I'd had a glimpse of her final project.

She plucked a grape, wrapped it in the square of foil, set it before me and tapped it with her wand. I missed whatever words she said, entranced by the way the runes on the crumpled silver foil lightened and spread until the entire sphere was mirror bright. "All done," she said. Lily reached into the shelves under the lab table, pulled out a heavy granite mortar and pushed it towards me. "Squish it," she said, nodding towards her foil-covered grape.

I picked up the stone cup and slammed it down on the grape. It went TINK and did not squish. _Interesting_...

She marked something down on her clipboard. "Again."

I repeated the TINK a couple more times at her request and on the fourth TINK it failed, leaving grape juice splattered across the table. The foil disintegrated into flakes of silver light and was gone.

Lily leaned forward excitedly. "Hey, it didn't explode! Good to know."

"What! It might have _exploded_? And you asked _me_ to test it!? Nice, Evans, real nice!"

"Relax, Sev. There was only a 0.000025% chance that the last hit would've made the universe collapse. Nothing to worry about. Here, have a grape." She nudged the bunch over to me and scribbled on her clipboard furiously.

I regarded the green fruitlets and then her with belated paranoia. "Are they poisoned?"

I swear, her laugh drives me right up the wall. She grabbed a handful of the grapes and crammed them in her mouth which mostly smothered the laugh, thank Merlin. 

I started cleaning up my mess so we could get on with our lab assignment. Lily watched me box the leftover ingredients I had prepared. "You think you'll win the Potions award this year?" she asked.

"I don't know. I don't really care," I said. I didn't quite get the highest marks in Potions. I _could_ have, but I didn't. The girl who _did_ had a deft hand and great memorization skills, but she was quite happy just following the directions. Poppy was never tempted to fiddle with a recipe, whereas it pissed me off to just blindly follow a book when I already knew I could do it in my sleep and if I just changed some little thing it might maybe... Yeah all right, my occasional classroom improvisations didn't always work, but sometimes they did. Poppy is a drone and I'm an artist. If the idiots who run this school weren't going to give the award to me then it was an empty honour anyway.

I poured my experiments for the day down the sink and started scrubbing the cauldrons. Lily was still watching me. She said, "You're going to continue with Potions after you leave school." It was not quite a question and it made me laugh.

"Yeah," I said, grinning. It _was_ like asking me if I was planning on doing any breathing later. "Of course."

"You're lucky. I still don't know what I want to do," she said sadly.

I stood there with my hands in the sink, looking at her out of the corner of my eye. Lily was my partner in Potions by default. Despite the extra points I pulled in for whoever got partnered with me, no one else was willing to put up with my experimenting that led to occasional eruptions and frequent cauldron meltings. And I _did_ rather appreciate having a partner who didn't complain about what I just couldn't help doing. And she'd been my partner now for years. I said, "I bet you do know what you want to do, but it's just so bizarre that you won't tell anyone what it is."

She flushed a violent pink that clashed rather badly with her hair.

"Ha. You may as well just tell me. It can't possibly be any worse than being a sticky little Potions geek."

She looked at her feet. "I want to be a Quidditch coach," she said.

"Like Miss Hooch!? Merlin! No wonder you won't tell anyone!"

She looked rueful. "I told James. He said it'd be a waste, that I ought to be an Auror or something. But I think I'd make a great Quidditch coach. Or even a Quidditch commentator."

"Well, hell must be freezing over right now, but I have to agree with Potter. You'd make a great Auror."

Her brows came together. "It's so weird that you and James don't understand. I mean, you both play. Why can't you see the attraction of a job that has something to do with our favorite sport?"

"Quidditch is not my _favorite_ sport," I said and went back to scrubbing the cauldrons.

"What is? Cricket? Baseball?" she asked. _I think she's trying to change the subject, poor girl._

I cocked my head at her. "What's baseball?"

"You're failing Muggle Studies again, aren't you."

"I am _not_!" Bloody hell. One failing mark back in second year and the reputation sticks with you for the rest of your life.

"So, what _is_ your favorite sport? Give me a clue," said Lily.

"Um.....Well, I've done six years of summer camp at Durmstrang."

She wrinkled her nose at me. "You call that a clue?"

"Forget Muggle Studies. _You _must be failing History of Magic. They only _have_ one sport at Durmstrang. Well, besides ubiquitous Quidditch..."

"Are you any good?" she asked.

I looked down my nose at her. "What do _you_ think?"

And then some other students came in to do their Potions labwork and Lily and I stopped wasting time talking and actually did our labwork, too.....

  


  


  


Read the rest of this chapter, illustrated here:  
http://lizardlounge.com/Natasha/Didodikali/snake/by-3.html

Lookie! Angel Maxwell made fanart of my fic! http://www.mediaminer.org/fanart/view.php?id=128443  
How cool is that! Eeeee! I'm just thrilled! Isn't it cute!

Chapter Four (eventually): Strategy and Tactics

Review! Maybe it will make me draw faster... ;)


	4. Strategy and Tactics

Read the illustrated version here;  
http://lizardlounge.com/Natasha/Didodikali/snake/by-4.html

Dear reader, this chapter contains a very stupid, very dirty joke,  
so I'm afraid I must rate it at least an R.  
So much for my attempt at a PG-13 rating. ;)

  
A Harry Potter Fanfic by Didodikali  
Rowling's characters do not belong to me!  
However these pictures _are_ mine.  


Chapter Four.  
**Strategy and Tactics**  


Red and gold are royal colours.  
Peasant colours are green and brown.  
Green is the corn in the brown earth when it's growing.  
Red and gold when the harvest is cut down.  
~Fairport Convention  


~*~

"Heavens. I'd have lost money if I'd bet on that one."

"Shoo! Shoo! That goes for you too, Narcissa!" I said.

"You want me to get you a jar so you can squeeze all that drool out of your sleeve and use it in a potion?"

"Sod off, Baldric."

Care of Magical Creatures has got to be my least favorite class; it's even worse than Divination. _Merlin! Why does this kind of thing always have to happen to me? ...Just one of those days._

At least Lupin and Black didn't see that. The class was finally over and I followed Lupin and Black back into the castle and stood with them outside the DADA classroom waiting for Potter, Pettigrew and, most especially, Lily to emerge.

Black didn't appreciate the company. He leaned against the wall and sneered at me.

"What are you looking at?" I said, which was a mistake.

"Possibly a baboon. When they were handing out noses, did you forget to say when?"

I don't hang out with the other Houses much and no one in Slytherin would _dare_ to talk to me like that. Well, except for Malfoy and I'm used to him. I've got status in the Snake Pit, though. I'm on the reserve team, my grades are excellent, I bring in points . And us Snakes are all armed to the teeth with Dark curses and such which encourages a respectful courtesy all round. Home among the polite Slytherins, I can forget that it's only my mother who thinks I'm cute. ....And it's more than likely that Mum is just being polite.

Which is all very different from being out in the real world. I have cause to look in a mirror every now and then. You'd think that by now I'd be _used_ to being ugly, but, goddammit, I'm _still_ sensitive. I must get over this. It's probably just as well to have this weakness pointed out by a stupid Gryffindor. A Slytherin out for blood wouldn't have failed to follow through and finish me off after the first successful jab. Merlin! I can't believe I've been walking around with such a tempting opening in my psyche. _A needed correction._

Lupin put his arm on my shoulder. "Ignore him. He's a dunderhead."

If there is anything worse than being insulted by Black, it's got to be consolation from Lupin. Eeeurgh.

I deliberately dropped my hand back to my side. I look at Black and said, "Thank you," as my teacher had taught me.

Black looked at me with blank confusion and then with disdain. _Ha. No one's ever thanked him for being a rude arsehole before. He probably thinks I'm some kind of masochist now. Idiot._

I should hang out with the other Houses more. It's good for me to get another perspective. And more practice is always a good plan. I looked up at Black and mounted a late defense. "Not everyone gets to be smart, talented and pretty. Two out of three isn't bad, and it's more than you got."

Black's defenses are impervious, of course. He laughed. "Which am I, then?" he said, "Pretty or talented?"

Lupin leaned into the conversation. "What I find interesting is that you already _know_ you're not smart," he said to Black.

Black giggled. "_I_ think I'm pretty. _You're_ smart," he said to Lupin. "Maybe even talented, too."

"Gee, thanks. But am I pretty?" asked Lupin dryly.

"Eeennngh," said Black and shrugged. Potter, Pettigrew and Lily finally escaped the DADA class then and we collected together in the hallway among the milling students.

"Hmmph," said Lupin. "Apparently some of us are scholars, some of us play Quidditch, and some of us just look good in tight pants."

Black laughed at this and turned around and around, trying to get a good look at his own arse. Lupin rolled his eyes. Lily glanced at me and then looked away, blushing. _Oh_. My hand drifted up to the inside breast pocket of my robe which still held an anonymous love note with words both encouraging and complimentary.

_If only I could have a moment alone with her, without these loud imbeciles constantly getting in my way. But she's always surrounded by people. Could I get her attention despite that? I do think she likes me... I think... assuming it was her who wrote that poem... I don't know._

They set off down the hall, and outsider though I was, I trailed after them listening to them discuss the idiocy of classes like History of Magic, Divination and Muggle Studies and how much they hated them.

"I don't know about Muggle Studies," I said, "I rather like that thing we started reading the other day. Seemed to have some nice ideas in it. 'Two houses, both alike in dignity'..."

Lily glanced back at me. "Er... Have you read the whole thing yet? Everybody dies."

I looked at her in surprise. "What? Everybody?"

"That's right. Romeo and Juliet both bite the big one. Everybody dies," she said.

"Well, what about Mercutio, the cool best friend?" asked Remus, who was talking that class with me.

"Dead. Stone dead. Everybody dies," said Lily.

I said, "How completely useless. I do hope the next one is better. That one with the picture of the nicely dressed guy and the girl with the flowers and sopping wet dress on the cover, what about that one?"

".......Hamlet. Looking into my magic eightball, I see disappointment in your future. Sorry," she said.

I jammed my hand into my pockets and growled, "Pettigrew is right. Muggle Studies sucks."

Lily laughed. "Stick to Potions, Sev. You're not bad at Quidditch, either."

I'd thought I was following them to the Dining Hall, but they passed right by that passageway. "Where are you all going?" I asked.

Lily hand flew to her mouth. "Oh! Uh. We were going to sneak out to Hogsmeade and start the weekend early. Have butterbeer and fish and chips. Um. You wanna go?"

The Marauders groaned and so, of course, I said yes. I even got I got to walk to the village by Lily's side. Hogsmeade was empty of students except for us and we easily found an empty booth at Rosmerta's.

Lily slid onto the bench first. I swept past Potter and slid in next to Lily. Lupin pressed in next to me. Pettigrew, Potter and Black slid into the opposite seat. They ordered butterbeer and food and I listened to them casually badmouth my House in passing Quidditch conversation. Although the Slytherin Reserves had won our last game with the Gryffindor Reserves, the Slytherin Regulars had lost to the Gryffindors. _Why can't we talk about something else?_ _Bite your tongue, Sev. Think about the wriggly girl mashed against your leg. She really can't sit still at all, can she. Oooh. Don't think about that too much. Think about beer. Yum, beer!_

"Like it, eh?" said Lily.

"It's all right. I've made better," I said.

"You made butterbeer? In class?" she asked.

"No, our Professor isn't quite that oblivious. I made it in the dorms. Under my bed."

"Oh, don't be telling us about your swotty little personal projects. I don't want to know what's under your bed. Eeeew!" said Black.

_He's been sending digs my way all evening. _"What is your problem, Black?" I said.

"My problem is that you are an annoying little goody two-shoes, the sort of freaky savant who's idea of a being a bad boy is brewing a little semi-alcoholic fizz under his bed. You're boring. And greasy."

"That is so not true," I said. _Bloody hell. That **is** true._

Black sat back with a self-satisfied smile. "Then prove it. Do something marauderish."

They all looked at me with anticipation. Even Lily. _Oh, Merlin! _"What does marauderish mean exactly?" I asked.

The answers came from all around the table. "Dangerous." "Naughty." "Exciting." "Mischievous." "Unconventional." "Funny."

"Oh. Funny," I said. "Um. ...Well." I looked at Black's arrogant grin, threw my breeding, deportment and dignity out the window and said, "The Hufflepuffs spent six months doing a group research project and they discovered that there is a magic knob on the end of a man's penis. The Professors awarded them 20 points for their project.  
....The Ravenclaws spent two months researching and they discovered that the knob on the end of a man's penis was for the man's pleasure. The Professors awarded them 30 points for their project.  
....The Slytherins spent one week researching and they discovered that the knob on the end of a man's penis was for the woman's pleasure. The Professors awarded them 40 points for their project.  
....The Gryffindors spent two days researching, were awarded 200 points, and won the house cup for their discovery that the knob on the end of a man's penis was so that the man's hand doesn't fly off the end and hit him in the forehead."

I punctuated the end of the joke with the appropriate gesture and looked around expectantly. ...Nothing. When I'd told this joke in the Snake Pit I'd brought down the house. But now... cold silence. _Huh? Talk about no sense of humour. ...Oh, what am I, stupid. Of **course** Gryffindork jokes aren't going to go over very well with Gryffindorks. Gryffin**dors**. Right. Oops. And what am I doing telling a joke like that with a **girl **present? ...Shit._

Lily looked up at me in confusion. "A knob? I don't _get_ it," she said.

It was Lily's innocent question that got the laugh from the boys around the table and dispelled the tension. I relaxed as they guffawed at her and Lily tossed her head in good-natured annoyance.

"You need to get yourself an anatomy book," said Lupin to her.

"Or a boyfriend," I said. There was another speechless pause. Four Lionboys glared at me in horror. _Oh, dear. My terminal case of foot in mouth disease strikes again. I wonder if I'll make it back to the school in one piece? Maybe I should just take a vow of silence now and be done with it..._

Lily glanced at me, giggled and blushed. I gaped at her and then shut my mouth and grinned. _Yes!_ The waitress brought another round of butterbeer and our dinner and the conversation slowly rose from the dead. We ate, drank, paid and left. The Gryffindorks didn't let me get anywhere near Lily on the walk back, they guarded her every flank, but I didn't care. _She likes me. I **will** get around them somehow._

  


  
~*~  
Read the rest of this chapter, illustrated here:  
http://lizardlounge.com/Natasha/Didodikali/snake/by-4.html  


Owwwww, I think I broke something writing that.  
Next chapter, last chapter: **Endgame**.  
....soon.  



	5. Endgame

Read the illustrated version here;  
http://lizardlounge.com/Natasha/Didodikali/snake/by-5.html

  
A Harry Potter Fanfic by Didodikali  
Rowling's characters do not belong to me!  
However these pictures _are_ mine.  
Rated PG-13.

Chapter Five.  
**Endgame**  


Love imposes impossible tasks,   
Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme,  
Perhaps far more than any heart asks,  
He once was a true love of mine.  


~*~

  


I used Mobilicorpus to move my friends to the Hospital wing. The nurse was in there, washing blood off her hands. "What happened to _you_ lot?" she asked.

"Quidditch accident," I said.

"Oh, really?" said the nurse. "That's what the last one said."

I was too rattled to say anything more to anyone. I escaped up to my room and heard later that James was too sore to play the next day. As I was the Gryffindor Reserve Seeker, I took his place. We won. ...I suppose I was happy to have won. But it wasn't... well... _Maybe I will be an Auror or something after all._

That should have been the end of the whole horrible business. Oh, it _should_ have cut off right there, but it unravelled and sent messy tendrils curling around us all. I tried to explain it all to the Marauders. I screamed at them for a long time, but my friends did not understand. "I like him. You ruined it." I may as well have been speaking Swahili.

They did not understand my tears, either. Sirius took them as license to go after Sev again. And so something ugly happened in the dark between Severus and the Marauders, something that left Severus skittish and angry. And it left the Marauders at odds against each other, Remus angry at Sirius, Sirius angry at James, Peter wanting nothing to do with any of them. And since somehow it was all my fault -_No, it wasn't!_- none of them would talk to me.

Sev wouldn't talk to me, either. Well, he would talk; he'd answer questions with monosyllables. But when I sat down next to him, he'd shrink from me as if I were some kind of revolting slime-mold.

I couldn't take it; I asked to switch partners in Potions class. My Professor looked at me with disgust. "Mister Snape has already asked and the answer is _no_. You've done fine together for 4 years. I'm not switching around the whole class for you two. Try to act professionally, you little idiot."

So, with grim fabricated politeness, I suffered through hours of Potions working with Severus, fleeing immediately after our class or labwork was done. I could hardly wait for the lecture portion of each class to finish and the practical lab to start. I mean, if one's eyes water a bit while you're hovering over a caustic cauldron, no one's going to notice...

And things got better -with the Marauders and even with Sev. After a while, once we were elbow deep in a potion, Sev would forget that he hated me. He would measure out bits of things for me to prepare saying hardly more than "Here," or "Chop that one finer." He'd foist all the icky parts off onto me -_I hate deboning slugs_- and he'd play. And he'd lose himself then.

I watched him add in different amounts of components and in a different order from what all of our classmates were doing, a thing I've seen him do many times before. It usually means he's trying an alternate recipe, replacing an expensive ingredient with a mix of several other cheaper ones. Sometimes this works. Sometimes not.

"Hmm. Uh-oh."

"Is it going to explode?" I asked.

"Hand me the diced-" I put it in his hand. He threw half of it in. "Well, it's not going to explode _now_."

"Are we making something even _close_ to the assigned potion?"

"Oh, sure. Well, sort of..."

_I don't think he's eating._ I tried to get a better look at him, something more than a glimpse of nose and cheek. Sev noticed me staring; he bent his head and hid behind his hair. _Aaagh_. _He's remembered that he hates me again. This is hopeless._

He quit playing after that. We worked fast and efficiently, almost silently and I avoiding looking at him. One day we were working with thrice-killed mandrakes. We'd already drowned them and baked them and now we were cutting them up. Severus watched me take mine apart with a wry laugh.

_This just isn't fair. _"What?!!" I snapped at him. 

"I don't think I've ever seen anyone enjoy flaying a mandrake more. You want a go at mine?"

And I finally looked at him, really looked at him, and caught the ironic glint in his eye before he looked away, and realized that he was laughing at me. Laughing at me and my uncomfortableness and anger and unhappiness. And his. ..._Oh._

I sighed and smiled and held out my hand. "Give it here. I'd love to destroy that for you."

And after that, if we were never exactly the same kinds of friends we were before, then at least we were able to work together in some kind of limited, circumspect peace until the end of school.

And when finally school ended and exams were finished and our time at Hogwarts was really, truly over and we all stood on the platform waiting for the train to take us all away into summer, Severus came up to me and shook my hand and said, "Have a nice life," and "Goodbye," and "Thank you."

_I don't believe it. He shook my hand. Is that it?! A handshake? Is that all!?_

  


~*~  
Read the rest of this chapter, illustrated here:  
http://lizardlounge.com/Natasha/Didodikali/snake/by-5.html  


  


_"Are we going to be friends forever?" asked Piglet. _

_"Even longer," said Pooh.  
_

_~A. A. Milne_

*  
  
The End.


End file.
